An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.'
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the skippin!!
My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post.
"Why am I so unlucky?" she shrieked.
"What's wrong?" I asked
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits"
I said " Tinnitus.You have tinnitus"
You won't hear from me for a while.
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables..
I gotta lilo.
"I love that TV show where someone gets fired every week."
"'The Apprentice'?"
"No. 'Match Of The Day'..."
My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
He's Espanyol.
News Flash : It has been reported that a local family of gnus, Mummy Daddy and baby Gnu are involved in a tragedy. Baby Gnu wanderd off into the woods, and fell over a cliff, plunges to the bottom and very tragically is killed.
Mummy Gnu searching for baby, sees the broken cliff edge and peers out. Sadly, she leans too far and she too plunges to her death.
Later that day Daddy Gnu returns home and goes in search of his family. When he sees what has happened, he's so upset and can't face life any more, he throws himself off the edge to join his loved ones. ......................... ...........................
That was the end of the gnus, now here is the weather forecast.
Friday, 27 November 2015
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
7 to start the day
Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge...
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this christmas....
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Tuesday, 24 November 2015
One here for my American friends
Three more
Just seen headline
Turkey shoots down Russian military jet.
Revenge before Thanksgiving even starts, it seems.
My male order bride arrived last week from Russia... next time I'll read the fine print...
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Turkey shoots down Russian military jet.
Revenge before Thanksgiving even starts, it seems.
My male order bride arrived last week from Russia... next time I'll read the fine print...
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
8 more
“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!”
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.”
RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?"
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.”
RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?"
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!
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Monday, 23 November 2015
7 jokes for today
It's that cold outside, i actually saw a politition with his hands in his own pocket!!
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be. I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be. I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
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It has been a long time since I posted but here is my restart with a pun
A man is walking through the woods and a fairy appears on the path in front of him
. At first the man can't believe his eyes and blinks a few times but the fairy is still there.
The fairy beckons him to move closer with a graceful movement of her arm. He approaches her and she say's, "Do you have a £5 note, I need one to insert with a birthday card I am going to send to my niece?"
The man reaches into his inside jacket pocket and produces his wallet. He searches inside and pulls out a £5 note which he hands to the fairy.
The fairy thanks him and delves into her acorn shell bag and hands over 4 £1 coins to the man. The man say's, I am sorry but you seem to be a £1 shy....
The fairy replies, "I think not for have you never heard that fairies change is no robbery?"
. At first the man can't believe his eyes and blinks a few times but the fairy is still there.
The fairy beckons him to move closer with a graceful movement of her arm. He approaches her and she say's, "Do you have a £5 note, I need one to insert with a birthday card I am going to send to my niece?"
The man reaches into his inside jacket pocket and produces his wallet. He searches inside and pulls out a £5 note which he hands to the fairy.
The fairy thanks him and delves into her acorn shell bag and hands over 4 £1 coins to the man. The man say's, I am sorry but you seem to be a £1 shy....
The fairy replies, "I think not for have you never heard that fairies change is no robbery?"
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