Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? 

Wonder no more, it is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 

I am sorry; an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 

Oh, quit whining I fell for it, too.

Seasonal shorts

Just seen Donner and Blitzen on ebay..
Nobody has put a bid in for them though..
Think its cos they're two deer.. 🙄 🦌🦌

"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace." So I bought her nothing."

NASA has plans to probe Uranus in search of gas - Headline - https://ascienceenthusiast.com/nasa-plans-probe-uranus-search-gas/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork&fbclid=IwAR3uEnoRaSMAIyup0s87TYmWVvpmXgS_g73zDNQmhnTtCmW5KN943gFdQ54

Driving

A young teen had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car. 

His father took him into his study and said to the teen, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." 

Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. 

After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. 

Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible more, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." 

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." 

His father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?" 

SICK LEAVE

SICK LEAVE
>> 
>> I URGENTLY NEEDED A FEW DAYS OFF WORK, BUT, I KNEW THE BOSS WOULD
>> NOT ALLOW ME TO TAKE A LEAVE.
>> 
>> I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to
>> take a few days off.
>> 
>> So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
>> 
>> My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
>> 
>> I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
>> would think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
>> 
>> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What
>> in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
>> 
>> SO I TOLD HIM I WAS A LIGHT BULB.
>> 
>> He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for
>> a couple of days.'
>> 
>> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
>> 
>> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And
>> where do you think you're going?!'
 
>> SHE SAID, 'I'M GOING HOME, TOO. I CAN'T WORK IN THE DARK.

Bright Irishman

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.



The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.



He says to the Irishman

'That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me.'



The Irishman replied: 'That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do It the honest way and get the same results.

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the Owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."



The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.



He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said 'Look in the Englishman's pockets.'

The priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a
donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and
recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a
little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now
Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis
certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next
of kin first, which is the reason for me
call."

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.  KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.  3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.  4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.  6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.  7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.  8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.  11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.  12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.  15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.  16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.  17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.  18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.  19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.  21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.  25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.