Ask before you fly

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'Are you telling me

You're NOT my flight instructor?' 

Three groans

What do you call an exploding monkey? A Baboom.

I went to the zoo today.
There was a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the school swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.

Two more

 I only hope that the person who stole my anti depressants is now happy. - Neil Milkins

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"