One liners

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd 

eventually find me attractive. 

  

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for 

freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

  

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards 

the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 

  

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the 

computer will say, "Your password is incorrect." 

  

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

  

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and 

procrastinate all at once. 

  

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and

the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

  

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? 

  

Take my advice — I'm not using it. 

  

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 

  

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound 

perspicacious.

  

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when 

you wish they were. 

  

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a 

computer.

  

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been 

doing is gathering dust. 

  

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a

more-talented fool. 

  

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. 

  

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

  

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble 

putting on your pants. 

  

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 

  

Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 

  

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. 

  

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed 

to jump out of her way. 

  

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. 

  

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. 

  

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 

  

He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

  

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? 

  

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. 

  

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. 

  

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

  

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have 

to mow it. 

  

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 

  

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. 

  

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

  

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 

  

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

  

Money is the root of all wealth. 

  

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

 

I asked the person if it was apathy or a lack of empathy, he said "I don't know and I don't care"

A doggy tale

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting
from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport
to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed and went back into the house and asked the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
“£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
“Because he's a lying little beggar, he's never been out of the garden!"

From Grouch Marx

A fat lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant ‘where’s the talcum powder. The assistant says ‘walk this way’. The fat lady says ‘if I could walk that way I wouldn’t need the talcum powder’.

Golden wedding

."Grandpa and his wife were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she ask, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?” “Naw,” Grandpa said, “Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?”

One liners

- I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

- Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

First class

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Just had two police officers at my front door!

Just had two police officers at my front door!
They asked me the following questions.
'Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said, 'No i'm not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
They said, No these are just initial enquiries'.

Apologies for shouting

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”

As London Zoo begins its annual stocktake, pelican keepers warn they could be facing some enormous bills.

Apparently, you cannot use the word ‘beefstew’ as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.

Tescos

Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside Tesco's if I would get them 20 Richmonds, reluctantly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you oughta have heard the aggressive abuse! So I told them "Next time get your own sausages!"😂😂😂😂😂

 I asked the manageress at Tesco if it was alright if I looked round. "You look round enough to me already fatty." she replied.

Thanks to Neil Milkins

Repentant thinner

Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine. Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Out of the mouths of babes

1) NUDITY        
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.       
She was stark naked!       As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS      

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,

'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP  

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar  

     During her struggle the phone rang so she asked he                                      4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.         'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.     She's hitting  the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY  

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.         When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover   

    The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1    
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years  old.       

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?     Yes,' I answered and continued writing  the report.      

My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.     Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.        'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'    


6) POLICE # 2    
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.        As I gathered my equipment, 

my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?'

he  asked.      'It sure is,' I replied.     Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  

Finally he  said, 'What'd he do?'  

7) ELDERLY   While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old  daughter  on my afternoon rounds.

      She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, 

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.       One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in  a glass.  

      As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth  fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP        
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.        When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,  'Daddy,

you shouldn't wear that suit.'     'And why not, darling?'  

  'You know that it always gives you a headache  the next morning.'

9) DEATH  

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly  made his collar wilt.     Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.     Feeling that  proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.     

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity    intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,  and into the hole he goooes.'  

10) SCHOOL  

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.         'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'    

11) BIBLE  

A little boy opened the big family Bible.   He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,  something   fell out of the Bible.         He picked up the object and looked at it.     What he saw was an old leaf that had  been pressed in between the pages.      'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.     'What have you got there,    dear?'     

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

  

New year smiles

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”


As London Zoo begins its annual stocktake, pelican keepers warn they could be facing some enormous bills.