What does Brexit mean for Christmas?
Next year no Brussels. 😂
Why does Donald trump keep on decorating the Christmas tree?
Because everyone keeps saying 'moron' to him.
Friday, 29 December 2017
THE PARROT
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
Monday, 18 December 2017
From Facebook friends
Did you hear the description of dyslexic Yorkshiremen wearing cat flaps on their heads?
Last seen riding away on his well boiled icicle.
Thursday, 14 December 2017
Old one from way back on Facebook
in order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2009. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating". Thank you for your attention.
Monday, 11 December 2017
Frankie Boyle
I was directed to a url of his jokes but I found only these to be funny and/or decent enough to repeat. You may well dissent. If so don't tell me . See the last one.
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened
In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened
In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.
Monday, 4 December 2017
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions:
Where was the Battle of Hastings fought?
The Government has a cabinet-Is this a place where Drinks are kept-True or False?
Trafalgar Square is famous for -
Dive Bombing Tourists by Pigeons
Or The Human Statues one can viewOr handy for Sainsbury's at that Gallery nearby?
The Queen is resident in
a) Windsor Castle... ·
d) a pub in Leicester Square
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
a) Runnymede
b) At the bottom
a pound note is worth - 1 pound .8 euro. 4 punts
I S I H A C stands for what? Please attempt to answer this. Don't just put I'm sorry I haven't a clu
If the Prime Minister and Boris Johnson were both drowning outside the Houses of Parliament and you were the only one who could save them....what would you put in your sandwich as the filling?
When was the monarchy abolished and the residents became citizens rather than subjects?
Which of these is the name of a town in Cheshire?
A. Crewe B. Pugh C. Barney McGrew or D. Cuthbert, Dibble & Grubb?
List ten words for different types of rain
When making a Nice Cup of Tea: should one pour the Milk into the Cup
a) before or
b) after the Tea
What precedes Sheffield Wednesday!
·
Are the government:
A: A bunch of incompetent, corrupt dimwits
2: My moral and intellectuals superiors, God bless 'em
Is Nicola Sturgeon
a fish or a waste of space.
What colour are London’s famous red buses?
What shape is Trafalgar Square ?
Who is north Wales most famous resident?
Nick Walden Where John Mills & Mrs Mills a) an actor and pianist. b) Dark and satanic?
Where is Ware, and what should you wear?
Lord Earl Grey invented tea - true or false?
Who is credited with the creation of the sandwich?
(a) The Earl of Hamburger; (b) The Earl of Sandwich; (c) The Earl of Pot Noodles.
The wellington is named after which famous British Duke?:
(a) The Duke of Kinky Boots; (b) The Duke of High Heels; (c) The Duke of Wellington
What's the difference between margarine? Is it
1 I believe it's butter
2 I don't believe it's butter
Are you marrying a Royal?
A. Yes - congratulations you have passed!
B. No - continue to Q2
How do you get to Mornington Crescent
The woolen head gear known as a balaclava, or more commonly known as a ski mask, is named after what? :
(a) A Russian musical instrument; (b) The Battle of Pullover; (c) The Battle of Balaclava.
Is "Aftermath"?
a) After math.
b) After this
Is Scunthorpe twinned with Penistone?
When do we add on tax. Before paying for our goods, or after
What is a silver dollar made of?
Can youexplain einstein's special theory of relativity
(answer yes or no)
If you have 500 million pounds, how much tax will you pay?
Depends, am I a Tory donor?
Merseyside has two major football teams;
are they a) Liverpool and Tranmere Rovers, or b) Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves?
What is the first rule of Mornington Crescent?
"You don't talk about Mornington Crescent?"
How many pennies in a pound?
If you answer a) 240, welcome home, old chap; if you answer b) 100, GET OUT, YOU DAMN FOREIGN DOG!
What should you say if someone bumps into you?
And can you queue?
By fantastic coincidence the Battle of Hastings was fought at the village of 'Battle'.
One Olympic sport consists of throwing a flat, circular piece of wood.
Discus.
How many taxis go south of the river at this time of night
Apart from London, name another place you know.
How tall are you?
IN FEET AND INCHES!!!
What is your weight (in Stones
How many weeks do you have to wait before a plumber you booked for the next day comes to fix a leaky tap?
Why is the public announcement: "Leaves on the line" going to cause you inconvenience
Depends on what one is leaving on the line...
Which page, of which newspaper, is the most admired (particularly among tradespeople)?
Except on Merseyside...
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions:
Where was the Battle of Hastings fought?
The Government has a cabinet-Is this a place where Drinks are kept-True or False?
Trafalgar Square is famous for -
Dive Bombing Tourists by Pigeons
Or The Human Statues one can viewOr handy for Sainsbury's at that Gallery nearby?
The Queen is resident in
a) Windsor Castle... ·
d) a pub in Leicester Square
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
a) Runnymede
b) At the bottom
a pound note is worth - 1 pound .8 euro. 4 punts
I S I H A C stands for what? Please attempt to answer this. Don't just put I'm sorry I haven't a clu
If the Prime Minister and Boris Johnson were both drowning outside the Houses of Parliament and you were the only one who could save them....what would you put in your sandwich as the filling?
When was the monarchy abolished and the residents became citizens rather than subjects?
Which of these is the name of a town in Cheshire?
A. Crewe B. Pugh C. Barney McGrew or D. Cuthbert, Dibble & Grubb?
List ten words for different types of rain
When making a Nice Cup of Tea: should one pour the Milk into the Cup
a) before or
b) after the Tea
What precedes Sheffield Wednesday!
·
Are the government:
A: A bunch of incompetent, corrupt dimwits
2: My moral and intellectuals superiors, God bless 'em
Is Nicola Sturgeon
a fish or a waste of space.
What colour are London’s famous red buses?
What shape is Trafalgar Square ?
Who is north Wales most famous resident?
Nick Walden Where John Mills & Mrs Mills a) an actor and pianist. b) Dark and satanic?
Where is Ware, and what should you wear?
Lord Earl Grey invented tea - true or false?
Who is credited with the creation of the sandwich?
(a) The Earl of Hamburger; (b) The Earl of Sandwich; (c) The Earl of Pot Noodles.
The wellington is named after which famous British Duke?:
(a) The Duke of Kinky Boots; (b) The Duke of High Heels; (c) The Duke of Wellington
What's the difference between margarine? Is it
1 I believe it's butter
2 I don't believe it's butter
Are you marrying a Royal?
A. Yes - congratulations you have passed!
B. No - continue to Q2
How do you get to Mornington Crescent
The woolen head gear known as a balaclava, or more commonly known as a ski mask, is named after what? :
(a) A Russian musical instrument; (b) The Battle of Pullover; (c) The Battle of Balaclava.
Is "Aftermath"?
a) After math.
b) After this
Is Scunthorpe twinned with Penistone?
When do we add on tax. Before paying for our goods, or after
What is a silver dollar made of?
Can youexplain einstein's special theory of relativity
(answer yes or no)
If you have 500 million pounds, how much tax will you pay?
Depends, am I a Tory donor?
Merseyside has two major football teams;
are they a) Liverpool and Tranmere Rovers, or b) Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves?
What is the first rule of Mornington Crescent?
"You don't talk about Mornington Crescent?"
How many pennies in a pound?
If you answer a) 240, welcome home, old chap; if you answer b) 100, GET OUT, YOU DAMN FOREIGN DOG!
What should you say if someone bumps into you?
And can you queue?
By fantastic coincidence the Battle of Hastings was fought at the village of 'Battle'.
One Olympic sport consists of throwing a flat, circular piece of wood.
Discus.
How many taxis go south of the river at this time of night
Apart from London, name another place you know.
How tall are you?
IN FEET AND INCHES!!!
What is your weight (in Stones
How many weeks do you have to wait before a plumber you booked for the next day comes to fix a leaky tap?
Why is the public announcement: "Leaves on the line" going to cause you inconvenience
Depends on what one is leaving on the line...
Which page, of which newspaper, is the most admired (particularly among tradespeople)?
Except on Merseyside...
Thursday, 30 November 2017
Happy St. Andrews Day!
What films, telly, books or music would ye recommend to Dougal and Hamish for watching, reading or listening to?
Jock The Week
Look Who's Jocking
Scot's Landing
East Of Edinburgh
Look Who's Jocking
Scot's Landing
East Of Edinburgh
Monday, 27 November 2017
Saturday, 25 November 2017
BREAKING NEWS
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Heathrow Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a Border Control spokesman said he believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, a senior Member of the House of Commons said "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes - As the Greek Philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle".
Fellow colleagues in The House told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by their Leader.
Tuesday, 14 November 2017
Saturday, 11 November 2017
Converting the bear
A week later, the three men met again.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had bandages on his body, began: "Well," he said, "I went to find a bear. When I found him, I read to him The Sermon on the Mount. Well, that bear began to slap me around, so I grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and made the sign of the cross on his head and he became as gentle as a lamb."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next He was in a wheelchair, and had his arms and legs in casts. He exclaimed, "Brothers, I went out and I found a bear; then I read to him from The Old Testament, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I took hold of him and we began to wrestle, until we fell into the creek. I quickly dunked and baptised him. He became as gentle as a lamb. Hallelujah!"
The Priest and the Reverend looked down at the Rabbi, lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction - IV's and monitors running in and out of him, in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Thursday, 2 November 2017
Two brief smiles
Scotsman visits other scotsman who is taking wallpaper off wall,is asked are you decorating, no is the reply, moving house
The greatest question ever asked by a church trainee: "Ok I get justification but why did he nail 95 faeces to a door?"
The greatest question ever asked by a church trainee: "Ok I get justification but why did he nail 95 faeces to a door?"
Tuesday, 31 October 2017
LADIES OF THE NIGHT
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth. For crying out loud. They're 'sex workers'!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Friday, 20 October 2017
Yorkshire thrift
A prostitute sets up a brothel in Barnsley and as an opening offer puts a sign post in the window saying ' Special offer today: Good time £20, keep your request to 3 words and it's free'. As you might imagine, a queue soon forms outside the house, at the head of which is a local lad. ' Yes love' she says ' What's your pleasure?' she asks 'Paint my house' he replies.
Monday, 16 October 2017
No nest
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
or d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
repeated the question to him.
"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm absolutely sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Paddy replied, “Because he lives in a flamin' clock!"
Wednesday, 11 October 2017
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