One liners

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd 

eventually find me attractive. 

  

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for 

freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

  

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards 

the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 

  

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the 

computer will say, "Your password is incorrect." 

  

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

  

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and 

procrastinate all at once. 

  

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and

the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

  

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? 

  

Take my advice — I'm not using it. 

  

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 

  

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound 

perspicacious.

  

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when 

you wish they were. 

  

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a 

computer.

  

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been 

doing is gathering dust. 

  

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a

more-talented fool. 

  

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. 

  

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

  

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble 

putting on your pants. 

  

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 

  

Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 

  

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. 

  

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed 

to jump out of her way. 

  

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. 

  

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. 

  

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 

  

He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

  

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? 

  

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. 

  

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. 

  

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

  

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have 

to mow it. 

  

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. 

  

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. 

  

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

  

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 

  

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

  

Money is the root of all wealth. 

  

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

 

I asked the person if it was apathy or a lack of empathy, he said "I don't know and I don't care"

A doggy tale

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting
from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport
to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed and went back into the house and asked the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
“£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
“Because he's a lying little beggar, he's never been out of the garden!"

From Grouch Marx

A fat lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant ‘where’s the talcum powder. The assistant says ‘walk this way’. The fat lady says ‘if I could walk that way I wouldn’t need the talcum powder’.

Golden wedding

."Grandpa and his wife were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she ask, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?” “Naw,” Grandpa said, “Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?”

One liners

- I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

- Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

First class

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

Just had two police officers at my front door!

Just had two police officers at my front door!
They asked me the following questions.
'Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said, 'No i'm not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
They said, No these are just initial enquiries'.

Apologies for shouting

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”

As London Zoo begins its annual stocktake, pelican keepers warn they could be facing some enormous bills.

Apparently, you cannot use the word ‘beefstew’ as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.

Tescos

Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside Tesco's if I would get them 20 Richmonds, reluctantly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you oughta have heard the aggressive abuse! So I told them "Next time get your own sausages!"😂😂😂😂😂

 I asked the manageress at Tesco if it was alright if I looked round. "You look round enough to me already fatty." she replied.

Thanks to Neil Milkins

Repentant thinner

Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine. Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Out of the mouths of babes

1) NUDITY        
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.       
She was stark naked!       As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS      

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,

'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP  

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar  

     During her struggle the phone rang so she asked he                                      4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.         'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.     She's hitting  the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY  

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.         When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover   

    The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1    
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years  old.       

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?     Yes,' I answered and continued writing  the report.      

My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.     Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.        'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'    


6) POLICE # 2    
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.        As I gathered my equipment, 

my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?'

he  asked.      'It sure is,' I replied.     Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  

Finally he  said, 'What'd he do?'  

7) ELDERLY   While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old  daughter  on my afternoon rounds.

      She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, 

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.       One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in  a glass.  

      As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth  fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP        
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.        When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,  'Daddy,

you shouldn't wear that suit.'     'And why not, darling?'  

  'You know that it always gives you a headache  the next morning.'

9) DEATH  

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly  made his collar wilt.     Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.     Feeling that  proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.     

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity    intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,  and into the hole he goooes.'  

10) SCHOOL  

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.         'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'    

11) BIBLE  

A little boy opened the big family Bible.   He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,  something   fell out of the Bible.         He picked up the object and looked at it.     What he saw was an old leaf that had  been pressed in between the pages.      'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.     'What have you got there,    dear?'     

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

  

New year smiles

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.
She gave the following statement ; “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”


As London Zoo begins its annual stocktake, pelican keepers warn they could be facing some enormous bills.

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? 

Wonder no more, it is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 

I am sorry; an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 

Oh, quit whining I fell for it, too.

Seasonal shorts

Just seen Donner and Blitzen on ebay..
Nobody has put a bid in for them though..
Think its cos they're two deer.. 🙄 🦌🦌

"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace." So I bought her nothing."

NASA has plans to probe Uranus in search of gas - Headline - https://ascienceenthusiast.com/nasa-plans-probe-uranus-search-gas/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork&fbclid=IwAR3uEnoRaSMAIyup0s87TYmWVvpmXgS_g73zDNQmhnTtCmW5KN943gFdQ54

Driving

A young teen had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car. 

His father took him into his study and said to the teen, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." 

Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. 

After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. 

Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible more, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." 

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." 

His father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?" 

SICK LEAVE

SICK LEAVE
>> 
>> I URGENTLY NEEDED A FEW DAYS OFF WORK, BUT, I KNEW THE BOSS WOULD
>> NOT ALLOW ME TO TAKE A LEAVE.
>> 
>> I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to
>> take a few days off.
>> 
>> So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
>> 
>> My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
>> 
>> I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
>> would think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
>> 
>> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What
>> in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
>> 
>> SO I TOLD HIM I WAS A LIGHT BULB.
>> 
>> He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for
>> a couple of days.'
>> 
>> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
>> 
>> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And
>> where do you think you're going?!'
 
>> SHE SAID, 'I'M GOING HOME, TOO. I CAN'T WORK IN THE DARK.

Bright Irishman

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.



The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.



He says to the Irishman

'That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me.'



The Irishman replied: 'That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do It the honest way and get the same results.

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the Owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."



The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.



He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said 'Look in the Englishman's pockets.'

The priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of
his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a
donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind
as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and
recognising the foreign accent, thought he would have a
little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now
Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis
certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next
of kin first, which is the reason for me
call."

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.  KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.  3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.  4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.  6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.  7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.  8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.  11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.  12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.  15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.  16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.  17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.  18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.  19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE. 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.  21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS. 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES. 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.  25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.