Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

Pre-Application Information:

This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of acceptance to Oxford or Cambridge, and current medical report (from a reputable doctor).

PART 1:

NAME: ____________________________________

BIRTH DATE: _________________________

HEIGHT: _____________________

WEIGHT: ____________________

IQ: ______________ (Less than 90, crawl back to the rock you came out from under and DO NOT add to the gene pool.)

ANNUAL INCOME (mandatory): ___________________

NATIONAL INSURANCE: ________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES: ____________________________

HOME ADDRESS: ________________________________________________

Do you have parents? _______________________________

If NO, explain (in ten words or less):

________________________________________________________________

If YES, number of years they have been married:



If they have been married less than your age, explain:

________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

PART 2:

Do you own a van? ____________

A truck with oversized tires? ____________

A waterbed? ____________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or bellybutton ring?

A tattoo? ___________

(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE-

-DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.)



PART 3:

In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________
What church do you attend? _____________

How often? ___________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ___________

Mother? ___________

Priest? ___________

Probation Officer? ______________



PART 4:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to answer all questions.

Answers given will be considered confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C. A woman's place is:

D. The two things I hope this application does not ask:

1)______________________________________________________________2)______________________________________________________________

E. When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed first was:

________________________________________________________________(Note: IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep your head down and zigzag.)

F. What do you want to do IF you grow up?



Part 5:

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ___________

(Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question above, discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a sawed-off pointed at your knees. There are probably several fathers looking for you right now!)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK 'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.

__________________________________________________

SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)

Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter. Please allow 1-2 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily harm visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break 'em Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.


10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter



Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will assist you by amputating them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall down during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My old humour collection

http://www.christiansquoting.org.uk/page7.html

The old man's prescription.

A nonagenarian gave the pharmacist a prescription for Viagra asking if if could be dispensed cut into quarters. The chemist said a quarter was nor enough for an erection. The old boy replied that it was not an erection he wanted. He wished to stop peeing on his slippers.

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The
store clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had
emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed
holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked
him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Christmas selection

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "MIGHTY NIAGARA", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."



Question: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Answer: It's Christmas, Eve!


This blonde is on main street and she sees this t.v. in the window. So she walks in and says to the man at the counter, "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, we don't sale to blondes," replied the dude at the counter. The blonde left, a little sad and puzzled.

She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She went back to the store and says to the same man at the counter: "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, still don't sale to blondes." The blonde was getting mad now. 'I'll fix him' she thought to herself.

So she goes home and dyes her hair black this time. "Alright, I'd like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Look, lady, we don't sale to blondes." The blonde stood there for a minute. "How do you keep knowing it was me?" "I know it's you because that in the window is a microwave."


There was a blonde, burnette and green haired lady. They were all talking about each others hair. The blonde said: "Oh, I poured bleach on mine." The burnette said: "Oh, I dyed mine." The green haired lady sneezed in to her hair and said: "It's natural."

Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Be a frog!

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.




When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...




"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"




"What?" said her Grandpa.




"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”