British and not PC

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these men have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Too expensive, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits. From next week, all forms will be printed only in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English-speaking Doctor’. I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

Women are like wheelbarrows. Hard to pick up, and easy to upset !!