The spot on the forehead

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We
Have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
Religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C has recently
Revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see
Whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
Or a motel in the United States.
If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving
Technical advice.

Conjoined twins

Conjoined twins walk into a Canadian bar and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods. "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crud," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So, why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."

from "Reagan: The Life"

"“An evangelical minister and a politician arrived at heaven’s gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them in hand to show them where their quarters would be. And he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the clergyman. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn’t believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds and many servants and told him that these would be his quarters. And he couldn’t help but ask, ‘But wait, there’s something wrong. How do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?’ And St. Peter said, ‘You have to understand how things are up here. We’ve got thousands and thousands of clergy. You’re the first politician who ever made it.’ ”"

― from "Reagan: The Life"

SNP inquisitors

A Catholic grilled on Twitter by cybernats, the self-appointed patriotism police of social media.

Cybernat 1: “What do you believe in, independence or the Union?”

Man: “Catholicism.”

Cybernat 2: “Aye, but have you accepted Nicola Sturgeon as your personal saviour?”

The empty car

JJ

Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. 

The night was rolling on and no car went by. 

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. 

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 

The car started moving slowly. 

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. 

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. 

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. 

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. 

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. 

Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 

Look Frank... there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!

A variant on an old theme

A biker on a Harley is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into a lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."
The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed . I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"

Excused school

Grandpa said to grand son,"see, your teacher is coming. Go and hide because you've missed school for two days." Grand son replied,
"I took an excuse that you died; so go and hide."😀😀😀😀