What is a calorie?

Calories are the little tinkers that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE DEVILS.

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Newton , NJ .
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Flower Show

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'


Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly
Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile!

The Menu For The Roadkill Cafe

The Menu For The Roadkill Cafe

"You Kill It, We Grill It"

Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

Entrees.

** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )

** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )

** Flat Cat **
( served as a single or in a stack )
Single Flat Cat ..................................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).................. $ 9.00

A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide.

** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49
( basted in Tomato Sauce )

** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49
( includes salad & French bread )

** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99
( ice cream flavours chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry )

** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99
( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )

** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49
( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )

** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79
( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )

** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99
( includes turtle soup & dumplings )

Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.

Slab of Lab ......................................... $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie .................................... $ 0.99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....................... $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) ................. $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville)................ $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle .......................................... $ 2.79
German Shepherd Pie (with sauerkraut)................ $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............................. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog .................................. $ 3.29

** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49
( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )

Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark.

** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99
( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )

** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99
( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )

** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99
( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)

** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69
( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )

Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers.

** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it,
you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99

** Bag N' Gag **
Our daily take-out lunch special
Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49

Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

'A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?.. He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your sense of humour.

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. ...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?

Dear "Popular kids" you may drink, smoke weed, take drugs, slack off in school, and think your "hard". but in 5 years time, while i have a job and you dont, i'm going to laugh right in your face

'Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "
'Yeah, so did your dads condom."

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

Pre-Application Information:

This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of acceptance to Oxford or Cambridge, and current medical report (from a reputable doctor).

PART 1:

NAME: ____________________________________

BIRTH DATE: _________________________

HEIGHT: _____________________

WEIGHT: ____________________

IQ: ______________ (Less than 90, crawl back to the rock you came out from under and DO NOT add to the gene pool.)

ANNUAL INCOME (mandatory): ___________________

NATIONAL INSURANCE: ________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES: ____________________________

HOME ADDRESS: ________________________________________________

Do you have parents? _______________________________

If NO, explain (in ten words or less):

________________________________________________________________

If YES, number of years they have been married:



If they have been married less than your age, explain:

________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

PART 2:

Do you own a van? ____________

A truck with oversized tires? ____________

A waterbed? ____________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? ___________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or bellybutton ring?

A tattoo? ___________

(IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE-

-DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.)



PART 3:

In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

________________________________________________________________
What church do you attend? _____________

How often? ___________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? ___________

Mother? ___________

Priest? ___________

Probation Officer? ______________



PART 4:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to answer all questions.

Answers given will be considered confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C. A woman's place is:

D. The two things I hope this application does not ask:

1)______________________________________________________________2)______________________________________________________________

E. When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed first was:

________________________________________________________________(Note: IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep your head down and zigzag.)

F. What do you want to do IF you grow up?



Part 5:

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ___________

(Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question above, discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a sawed-off pointed at your knees. There are probably several fathers looking for you right now!)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK 'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.

__________________________________________________

SIGNATURE (an "X" is not sufficient.)

Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter. Please allow 1-2 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily harm visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break 'em Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.


10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter



Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will assist you by amputating them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, fall down during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My old humour collection

http://www.christiansquoting.org.uk/page7.html

The old man's prescription.

A nonagenarian gave the pharmacist a prescription for Viagra asking if if could be dispensed cut into quarters. The chemist said a quarter was nor enough for an erection. The old boy replied that it was not an erection he wanted. He wished to stop peeing on his slippers.

Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The
store clerks called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had
emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed
holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked
him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."