I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.
Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "MIGHTY NIAGARA", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
Question: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Answer: It's Christmas, Eve!
This blonde is on main street and she sees this t.v. in the window. So she walks in and says to the man at the counter, "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, we don't sale to blondes," replied the dude at the counter. The blonde left, a little sad and puzzled.
She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She went back to the store and says to the same man at the counter: "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, still don't sale to blondes." The blonde was getting mad now. 'I'll fix him' she thought to herself.
So she goes home and dyes her hair black this time. "Alright, I'd like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Look, lady, we don't sale to blondes." The blonde stood there for a minute. "How do you keep knowing it was me?" "I know it's you because that in the window is a microwave."
There was a blonde, burnette and green haired lady. They were all talking about each others hair. The blonde said: "Oh, I poured bleach on mine." The burnette said: "Oh, I dyed mine." The green haired lady sneezed in to her hair and said: "It's natural."
Friday 31 December 2010
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
Thursday 11 November 2010
Be a frog!
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
Monday 18 October 2010
Question
Q: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in a boat with a hole in it. Who gets saved?
A: America
A: America
Sunday 17 October 2010
Pearly Gates
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you attend church services?"
"No."
St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?"
"No."
"That too is bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"
"No."
St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow," said Peter. "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago," replied the man.
St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you attend church services?"
"No."
St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?"
"No."
"That too is bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"
"No."
St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow," said Peter. "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago," replied the man.
Sunday 3 October 2010
Baptism
Three little boys were concerned.
Because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there
One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?'
'Sure,' said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their
little heads in the toilet bowl, One at a time.
Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'
When they got outside, One of them asked,
What religion do you think we are?'
The oldest one said,
'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'
'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'
'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'
The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
Because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there
One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?'
'Sure,' said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their
little heads in the toilet bowl, One at a time.
Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'
When they got outside, One of them asked,
What religion do you think we are?'
The oldest one said,
'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'
'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'
'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'
The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.
Thursday 16 September 2010
The Tooth Fairy
Dear ..............., :
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in. the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in. the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Wednesday 15 September 2010
The police pulled a man over
The police pulled a man over and said "sir did you know that you are going 20 miles over the speed limit?" and the man answers, "No officer i did not." and his wife says, "yes you did I've been telling you that for the last 20 minutes." and the man yells "Shut up!" and the officer says, "Well did you know that your license plate is expired?" and the man answers "no officer i did not."
And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."
And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."
Philosophy Light-Bulb Jokes by Glenn Miller and Anon
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light (hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly.
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.
How many Sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.
How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?
None! That is the historically determined role of the proletariat!
One more, not philosophical,
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light (hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly.
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.
How many Sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.
How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?
None! That is the historically determined role of the proletariat!
One more, not philosophical,
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Light bulb changing joke, Christian-style
Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a light socket
Q How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better
Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a bit of an effort as well.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not the bulb.
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person
changing it is a woman!
Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied
Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to change it. No surrender!
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a restoration of the original light bulb through the electrician Joseph Smith.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.
Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen, Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and how we can do it in the same spirit today.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.
Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by the regulative principle they should not be used in worship..
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole world revolve around him.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb to burn out.
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a light socket
Q How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better
Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a bit of an effort as well.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not the bulb.
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person
changing it is a woman!
Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied
Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to change it. No surrender!
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a restoration of the original light bulb through the electrician Joseph Smith.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.
Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen, Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and how we can do it in the same spirit today.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.
Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by the regulative principle they should not be used in worship..
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole world revolve around him.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb to burn out.
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest
Monday 13 September 2010
Wise boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Thursday 2 September 2010
51 days!!!
Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.
They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.
She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.
She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
Friday 27 August 2010
Jewish Parrots.
A lady goes to her Rabbi one day and tells him, "Rabbi I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the Rabbi inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the Rabbi exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Torah.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Isaac and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, wearing yomikis and had a Torah. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the Torah away, Isaac, our prayers have been answered!"
What do they say?" the Rabbi inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the Rabbi exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Torah.
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Isaac and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, wearing yomikis and had a Torah. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the Torah away, Isaac, our prayers have been answered!"
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Senior moments
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet...
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet...
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Monday 23 August 2010
Best one-liner at the Edinburgh Fringe
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. -Tim Vine
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Beer Study
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Saturday 14 August 2010
Announcement From Brussels
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Wednesday 4 August 2010
The Dragon
How do you know that Welshmen love the mother-in-law?
Because they have her picture on the flag.
Because they have her picture on the flag.
Norwegian Lutheran Church
Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and
Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave
me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"
Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave
me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"
Saturday 31 July 2010
'Daddy, how was I born ?'
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Momand we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, andgoogled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Momand we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, andgoogled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Breaking News
Police on the north side of town this morning came across 2 teenagers. One was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.
Saturday 24 July 2010
Those fabulous Jewish Comedians
You may have heard of the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey
Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny
Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George
Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don
Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen
answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: Howmany Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey
Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny
Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George
Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don
Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen
answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: Howmany Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Friday 23 July 2010
That Thing We Used to Do
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
Three old men were sitting on a park bench, when a beautiful young girl went jogging by in blue terrycloth shorts and wearing a ponytail. The first old man said, "If I could catch up with her, I would hold her hand." The second old man said, "Yeah, and if I could catch her, I'd give her a kiss!" The third old man joined in and said, "You bet! And if I could catch her, I'd—, I'd— . . . Fellas, what was that other thing we used to do?”
Three old men were sitting on a park bench, when a beautiful young girl went jogging by in blue terrycloth shorts and wearing a ponytail. The first old man said, "If I could catch up with her, I would hold her hand." The second old man said, "Yeah, and if I could catch her, I'd give her a kiss!" The third old man joined in and said, "You bet! And if I could catch her, I'd—, I'd— . . . Fellas, what was that other thing we used to do?”
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