Computer problem

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.    Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control, and asked him to come over.    Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'    Georgie  grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?    'No,' I replied.    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'    So I wrote down:    ID10T

In the bed

There were 4 in the bed and the little one said, this is a children's song?

Rock a bye baby
On the tree top
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock.

I was that baby
And what bothers me
Is why Mum and Dad
Put me up a tree.


There were 4 in the bed and the little one said,
"Aren't you that man off the telly?"

Mary had a little lamb, the Midwife had a fit.

There was an old woman who lived in shoe - Social services re-housed her children with adoptive parents

As I was going to St Ives,
I met a man with seven wives......
.....I think he was a Mormon.

Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day
And now she's taking Beechams pills
To pass the time away.

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000V went up its bum
And turned its wool to nylon

Humpty Dumpty sat on the loo.
Humpty Dumpty did a BIG poo.
All the king’s horses n all the king’s men
Had to wait an hour to use the toilet again.

Immortality?

Old toilet attendants don’t die, they’re just inconvenienced.
Railway line workers don't die they just make tracks
Old novelists find their own plot.
Old lift attendants either go up or down!
Old golfers never die; they just lose their balls
Old sextons don't die, they just lose the plot
John O'Donoghue Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old delivery drivers don't die, they just get dropped off with a neighbour.
Metal dealers get scrapped
Old music writers decompose.
old chemists never die they just fail to react
Fishermen don't die they just smell that way
Old accountants reach the bottom line.
Old accountants never die - they simply lose their balance
Old lawyers never die - they simply lose their appeal
Old police informants are put out to grass
Old hairdressers just can't cut it any more
Old electricians go and live in a rest ohm
Old bankers make a final withdrawal
Old monarchs are like the weather yesterday. Reigning constantly
Gardeners push up dasies
Train drivers terminate at the end of the line
Old snooker players never die, they just take a long rest.
old soldiers never die they just smell that way
Old publicans never die they just call time gentlemen please
Watchmakers get wound up
Old Professors ... lose their faculties.
Old garden's never die, they just go to seed
Old Lawyers never die- they're already undead soulless monstrous beings with satanic contracts for eternal life
Old chemists don't die they just stop reacting.

Julie Andrews and the Sound of Old Age

Julie Andrews turned 79 in 2014. To commemorate her birthday, she made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music.' Here are the lyrics she used: If you sing it, it's especially hysterical!!!

 

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.

 

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

From I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Appreciation Society

Will glass coffins catch on?
I suppose it's remains to be seen!

Suggested entries please for the Uxbridge Dictionary of Science *Fact* (a companion to the concurrent dictionary of science fiction). This sort of thing:

Copper nitrate - Police overtime
Quark - what posh ducks say
Neon - Almost in Newcastle

Looking for a competent poof reader.

My dad always said, "When one door closes another one opens." Lovely fellow, shocking submarine captain.

Potter

The last Harry Potter book Deathly Hallows was published in 2007. Therefore Potter would be in his late mid 20s now. He graduated with a useless magic degree, useless since he can only use his skills in front of other magicians and witches. So what of him now? If JK kept writing what would the titles be? 

Harry Potter and the Universal Credit
Harry Potter and the Orders at McDonalds
Harry Potter and Escort Agency
Harry Potter and His Gender Reassignment
Harry Potter and the Borgin & Burkes Brexit Broomstick Debacle