Two more

Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.

Quickies

Ways To Get Fired
Get a job as a Human Cannonball

You can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It isn’t stroganoff.

World cup

Gareth Southgate has set up a friendly match against Iceland to try and cheer fans up. If we beat them then we go on to play Tesco's and then Sainsbury's.

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!

 I keep my pop art in a nuclear bunker under my floor.
It’s my handy war hole.

Smiles

I was sat in a restaurant last night, when I got hit on the back of the head with a prawn cocktail... 
I looked round and this bloke shouts:
"That's just for starters!"

My mum ordered an exotic snake over the internet, but when the box arrived all it contained was feathery necklaces.

It seemed the boa cons tricked her.