What does Brexit mean for Christmas?
Next year no Brussels. 😂
Why does Donald trump keep on decorating the Christmas tree?
Because everyone keeps saying 'moron' to him.
Friday 29 December 2017
THE PARROT
During a lull at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."
Monday 18 December 2017
From Facebook friends
Did you hear the description of dyslexic Yorkshiremen wearing cat flaps on their heads?
Last seen riding away on his well boiled icicle.
Thursday 14 December 2017
Old one from way back on Facebook
in order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2009. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating". Thank you for your attention.
Monday 11 December 2017
Frankie Boyle
I was directed to a url of his jokes but I found only these to be funny and/or decent enough to repeat. You may well dissent. If so don't tell me . See the last one.
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened
In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened
In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.
Monday 4 December 2017
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions:
Where was the Battle of Hastings fought?
The Government has a cabinet-Is this a place where Drinks are kept-True or False?
Trafalgar Square is famous for -
Dive Bombing Tourists by Pigeons
Or The Human Statues one can viewOr handy for Sainsbury's at that Gallery nearby?
The Queen is resident in
a) Windsor Castle... ·
d) a pub in Leicester Square
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
a) Runnymede
b) At the bottom
a pound note is worth - 1 pound .8 euro. 4 punts
I S I H A C stands for what? Please attempt to answer this. Don't just put I'm sorry I haven't a clu
If the Prime Minister and Boris Johnson were both drowning outside the Houses of Parliament and you were the only one who could save them....what would you put in your sandwich as the filling?
When was the monarchy abolished and the residents became citizens rather than subjects?
Which of these is the name of a town in Cheshire?
A. Crewe B. Pugh C. Barney McGrew or D. Cuthbert, Dibble & Grubb?
List ten words for different types of rain
When making a Nice Cup of Tea: should one pour the Milk into the Cup
a) before or
b) after the Tea
What precedes Sheffield Wednesday!
·
Are the government:
A: A bunch of incompetent, corrupt dimwits
2: My moral and intellectuals superiors, God bless 'em
Is Nicola Sturgeon
a fish or a waste of space.
What colour are London’s famous red buses?
What shape is Trafalgar Square ?
Who is north Wales most famous resident?
Nick Walden Where John Mills & Mrs Mills a) an actor and pianist. b) Dark and satanic?
Where is Ware, and what should you wear?
Lord Earl Grey invented tea - true or false?
Who is credited with the creation of the sandwich?
(a) The Earl of Hamburger; (b) The Earl of Sandwich; (c) The Earl of Pot Noodles.
The wellington is named after which famous British Duke?:
(a) The Duke of Kinky Boots; (b) The Duke of High Heels; (c) The Duke of Wellington
What's the difference between margarine? Is it
1 I believe it's butter
2 I don't believe it's butter
Are you marrying a Royal?
A. Yes - congratulations you have passed!
B. No - continue to Q2
How do you get to Mornington Crescent
The woolen head gear known as a balaclava, or more commonly known as a ski mask, is named after what? :
(a) A Russian musical instrument; (b) The Battle of Pullover; (c) The Battle of Balaclava.
Is "Aftermath"?
a) After math.
b) After this
Is Scunthorpe twinned with Penistone?
When do we add on tax. Before paying for our goods, or after
What is a silver dollar made of?
Can youexplain einstein's special theory of relativity
(answer yes or no)
If you have 500 million pounds, how much tax will you pay?
Depends, am I a Tory donor?
Merseyside has two major football teams;
are they a) Liverpool and Tranmere Rovers, or b) Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves?
What is the first rule of Mornington Crescent?
"You don't talk about Mornington Crescent?"
How many pennies in a pound?
If you answer a) 240, welcome home, old chap; if you answer b) 100, GET OUT, YOU DAMN FOREIGN DOG!
What should you say if someone bumps into you?
And can you queue?
By fantastic coincidence the Battle of Hastings was fought at the village of 'Battle'.
One Olympic sport consists of throwing a flat, circular piece of wood.
Discus.
How many taxis go south of the river at this time of night
Apart from London, name another place you know.
How tall are you?
IN FEET AND INCHES!!!
What is your weight (in Stones
How many weeks do you have to wait before a plumber you booked for the next day comes to fix a leaky tap?
Why is the public announcement: "Leaves on the line" going to cause you inconvenience
Depends on what one is leaving on the line...
Which page, of which newspaper, is the most admired (particularly among tradespeople)?
Except on Merseyside...
The Prospective Citizen's of the UK entrance exam has been revised to make it easier for those who can be fast tracked-Here are some of the most recent questions:
Where was the Battle of Hastings fought?
The Government has a cabinet-Is this a place where Drinks are kept-True or False?
Trafalgar Square is famous for -
Dive Bombing Tourists by Pigeons
Or The Human Statues one can viewOr handy for Sainsbury's at that Gallery nearby?
The Queen is resident in
a) Windsor Castle... ·
d) a pub in Leicester Square
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
a) Runnymede
b) At the bottom
a pound note is worth - 1 pound .8 euro. 4 punts
I S I H A C stands for what? Please attempt to answer this. Don't just put I'm sorry I haven't a clu
If the Prime Minister and Boris Johnson were both drowning outside the Houses of Parliament and you were the only one who could save them....what would you put in your sandwich as the filling?
When was the monarchy abolished and the residents became citizens rather than subjects?
Which of these is the name of a town in Cheshire?
A. Crewe B. Pugh C. Barney McGrew or D. Cuthbert, Dibble & Grubb?
List ten words for different types of rain
When making a Nice Cup of Tea: should one pour the Milk into the Cup
a) before or
b) after the Tea
What precedes Sheffield Wednesday!
·
Are the government:
A: A bunch of incompetent, corrupt dimwits
2: My moral and intellectuals superiors, God bless 'em
Is Nicola Sturgeon
a fish or a waste of space.
What colour are London’s famous red buses?
What shape is Trafalgar Square ?
Who is north Wales most famous resident?
Nick Walden Where John Mills & Mrs Mills a) an actor and pianist. b) Dark and satanic?
Where is Ware, and what should you wear?
Lord Earl Grey invented tea - true or false?
Who is credited with the creation of the sandwich?
(a) The Earl of Hamburger; (b) The Earl of Sandwich; (c) The Earl of Pot Noodles.
The wellington is named after which famous British Duke?:
(a) The Duke of Kinky Boots; (b) The Duke of High Heels; (c) The Duke of Wellington
What's the difference between margarine? Is it
1 I believe it's butter
2 I don't believe it's butter
Are you marrying a Royal?
A. Yes - congratulations you have passed!
B. No - continue to Q2
How do you get to Mornington Crescent
The woolen head gear known as a balaclava, or more commonly known as a ski mask, is named after what? :
(a) A Russian musical instrument; (b) The Battle of Pullover; (c) The Battle of Balaclava.
Is "Aftermath"?
a) After math.
b) After this
Is Scunthorpe twinned with Penistone?
When do we add on tax. Before paying for our goods, or after
What is a silver dollar made of?
Can youexplain einstein's special theory of relativity
(answer yes or no)
If you have 500 million pounds, how much tax will you pay?
Depends, am I a Tory donor?
Merseyside has two major football teams;
are they a) Liverpool and Tranmere Rovers, or b) Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves?
What is the first rule of Mornington Crescent?
"You don't talk about Mornington Crescent?"
How many pennies in a pound?
If you answer a) 240, welcome home, old chap; if you answer b) 100, GET OUT, YOU DAMN FOREIGN DOG!
What should you say if someone bumps into you?
And can you queue?
By fantastic coincidence the Battle of Hastings was fought at the village of 'Battle'.
One Olympic sport consists of throwing a flat, circular piece of wood.
Discus.
How many taxis go south of the river at this time of night
Apart from London, name another place you know.
How tall are you?
IN FEET AND INCHES!!!
What is your weight (in Stones
How many weeks do you have to wait before a plumber you booked for the next day comes to fix a leaky tap?
Why is the public announcement: "Leaves on the line" going to cause you inconvenience
Depends on what one is leaving on the line...
Which page, of which newspaper, is the most admired (particularly among tradespeople)?
Except on Merseyside...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)