Wednesday 16 December 2015

Mainly puns

Just seen a genie crying and shaking on the kerb I asked him why he was so nervous he said he'd lost his bottle

Q Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.

I've just had to get rid of my eastern European cleaner apparently she was a Slovak

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye Matey.

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.

Saturday 12 December 2015

How many Leeds Utd Managers does it take to change a Light-bulb?
They don't know. The light-bulb usually outlasts them.

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.
So I clicked "Add to cart."

Wednesday 9 December 2015

Essex girls

Five blokes in an Audi Quatro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It's illegal to have five people in a Quatro.
Quatro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind.” 
"Quatro's just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. Look at the papers: this car's designed to carry five persons.”
"You can't pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here,” she replies with a smile. "Quatro means four. You've got five people in your car and you're therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on.”
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon's busy dealing with the two blokes in the Fiat Uno".

Thursday 3 December 2015

Rabbit, rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie?' The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.Rabbit toastie
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman, 'smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them ham and cheese toasties' . The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it.' Ok, 'says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.... .....
NEVER TO RETURN
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties, you had a cheese and onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it' . The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'I DIED' , said the rabbit.' NO!' said the barman, 'what from?' After a short pause,the rabbit said......................................................
' Mixin' -me-toasties'