Loo laugh

I just entered a public toilet when I heard a voice from the other room
-Voice: hi there!
-Me ( a bit annoyed) hello
-Voice: how are u?
-Me:(frustrated): Am fine
-Voice: what r u doing?
-Me: the samething that you are
-voice: can I come over?
-Me (irritated): I am rather busy
-Voice: hmm look I'll have to call you back later, there's an idiot from the other room answering all my questions

The Irish Wrestler

Paddy, the Irish wrestler was set to square off for the Olympic gold medal against Ivan, the Russian champion.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, pinning him down and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!'

The Irishman answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really' answered Paddy, 'but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my , me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff 

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Dust

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous 
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." 

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little 
girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and 
asked quite audibly in her little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt 
dust?" 
    -- http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/05/Nov/dust.html