Blind pilots

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the
plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming....

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

Irish twins

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma..After being in a coma for nearly 6 months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied 'Ma'am, you had twins... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a freaking clueless idiot!

Expecting the worse, she asks the doctor 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name.
I guess I was wrong about my brother. She thought, 'I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, 'What's the boy's name?'


The doctor replies 'Denephew.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The password

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google,
it was found that a woman was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBrisbane"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

The Wine taster..

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died

and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,

matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant

and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

Understanding the English

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish

carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

With apologies to my good French friends.

A tourist in London was walking down the street and had to go to the toilet. He goes into an alley and a police office sees him. The officer tell him he can't do that there and to follow him. He walks the guy down the alley, around the corner and opens a gate and tells the guy to go in there and do it. He comes out and says that place was beautiful with cut grass, beautiful trees and flowers. What was that place? The officer replies, "that was the French embassy

Ignore if you are PC

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke this morning with a huge correction..

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,

his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen.All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,

so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.