The Donkey

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds foryour divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

Crows

The Police found a large number of dead crows on the outskirts of Portrush recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

One liners

+ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
+ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
+ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+ No one is listening until you make a mistake.
+ Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
+ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
+ Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
+ Half the people you know are below average.
+ 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Steve Wright, performance. 1983 (?)

A little too serious

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they were confused about what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Q: Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.
Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.
Moral: Don’t try to read between the lions.

A local call

Donald Trump , Putin and Nicola Sturgeon all die and go to hell.
They see a red phone and ask what it's for , the devil says its so you can phone earth.
Putin picks up the the phone and calls Russia for 10 minutes, after he has finished the Devil says that will cost him a million dollars , so he writes him a cheque.
Trump picks up the phone and spends 20 mins on it, the Devil says that two million dollars , so the Don writes him a cheque as well.
Nicola sturgeon picks up the phone and spends 4 hours on it, when she puts the phone down the Devil says its a free call.
Trump and Putin demand to know why?
Devil says since Sturgeon has been in power Scotland's gone to hell, so it's a local call.