Sunday 28 August 2011
Obama's Fault
The east coast earthquake apparently was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington.
Hurricane Warning
As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the East Coast, federal disaster officials warn that Internet outages could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years. Residents are bracing themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact. FEMA advises: 'Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Broadway, dining out, books... Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.
Thursday 25 August 2011
Recession.
Have you heard that Greece has stopped exporting humus and taramasalata?
It's a double-dip recession!
It's a double-dip recession!
Worst and best jokes at the Edinburgh Festival
This comes from the BBC.
I think the worst joke a lot better than about half of the top ten best. in fact I think the tenth one is sick.
'Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.
He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." '
I think the worst joke a lot better than about half of the top ten best. in fact I think the tenth one is sick.
'Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.
He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." '
Wednesday 24 August 2011
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
The Pastor's Ass up front again
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey,
so, she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
the moral of the story is .
being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . ... .
even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!
Have a nice day!
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
The Pastor's Ass up front again
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey,
so, she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
the moral of the story is .
being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . ... .
even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Strauss-Kahn sex case dismissed
'A New York judge dismisses the sexual assault case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, ending a three-month legal saga that roiled French politics.' BBC News today
The whole banking world feels relieved. Now the world knows that not all bankers are wankers. He now seems well qualified for a career in French politics and letters.
The moral seems to be that if you want the rich and powerful to stop using their status to abuse the poor, then the poor must be people of truth, not lies. Leave those to the establishment.
The whole banking world feels relieved. Now the world knows that not all bankers are wankers. He now seems well qualified for a career in French politics and letters.
The moral seems to be that if you want the rich and powerful to stop using their status to abuse the poor, then the poor must be people of truth, not lies. Leave those to the establishment.
Monday 22 August 2011
Making people happy.
Cameron looked at Clegg, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.” Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy” Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,”Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 28 million people very happy!”
Saturday 20 August 2011
The wedding anniversary
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . . Bob has been missing since Friday.
Thursday 18 August 2011
In 1923, Who Was: ..?
Read all the way through.
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was
Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
Blow work.
Ride motorbikes.
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was
Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
Blow work.
Ride motorbikes.
Tuesday 16 August 2011
The posh TV
What is the difference between the plasma TV in the council flat and the one in the MP's second home?
The first came through the shop window and the second through expenses.
The first came through the shop window and the second through expenses.
Friday 12 August 2011
THE RIOTERS' PRAYER
Our father, who art in prison, only mum knows his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Spliff, the Blackberry & the Lager, forever and ever...Innit !!!!
Thursday 11 August 2011
Laugh at the Riots (NOT AT ALL PC)
Just seen an irishman running off with an arm full of Chicken Tikka Masala. I Think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing Curry's.
I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows.Cars turned upside down.A bus on fire,people running scared and police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car next time!'
Apparently all these Black Rioters who were looting stole a large pile of Polyester Shirts and left the rest.
I;m shocked, I thought they only picked Cotton.
I saw a Black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday, so I smashed him over the head with a shovel.
'Id like to take this opportunity to apologise to ARGOS and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.
I've heard rumors that someone in Somalia emailed a relative in London, to see if he was safe.
I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows.Cars turned upside down.A bus on fire,people running scared and police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car next time!'
Apparently all these Black Rioters who were looting stole a large pile of Polyester Shirts and left the rest.
I;m shocked, I thought they only picked Cotton.
I saw a Black guy carrying a TV down the street yesterday, so I smashed him over the head with a shovel.
'Id like to take this opportunity to apologise to ARGOS and wish their delivery driver a speedy recovery.
I've heard rumors that someone in Somalia emailed a relative in London, to see if he was safe.
Tuesday 9 August 2011
What Religion is Your Bra?
A little religious education! What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
And a variant on a previous post.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD ,
E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!
{ A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
And a variant on a previous post.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD ,
E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time you became informed!
{ A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
Bras explained
Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the Letters used to define bra sizes? But couldn't figure out what the letters stood for. Well its time you became informed! (A) Almost tits. (B) Barely there. (C) Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn!(E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Friday 5 August 2011
Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
-
One plus one more
Urine
-
Opposite of you're out
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
-
One plus one more
Urine
-
Opposite of you're out
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