Six of not the best

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.' 
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor. 
'No, from the skippin!!

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post. 
"Why am I so unlucky?" she shrieked. 
"What's wrong?" I asked 
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits" 
I said " Tinnitus.You have tinnitus"

You won't hear from me for a while. 
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.. 
I gotta lilo.

"I love that TV show where someone gets fired every week." 
"'The Apprentice'?" 
"No. 'Match Of The Day'..."

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 
He's Espanyol.

News Flash : It has been reported that a local family of gnus, Mummy Daddy and baby Gnu are involved in a tragedy. Baby Gnu wanderd off into the woods, and fell over a cliff, plunges to the bottom and very tragically is killed. 
Mummy Gnu searching for baby, sees the broken cliff edge and peers out. Sadly, she leans too far and she too plunges to her death. 
Later that day Daddy Gnu returns home and goes in search of his family. When he sees what has happened, he's so upset and can't face life any more, he throws himself off the edge to join his loved ones. ......................... ........................... 
That was the end of the gnus, now here is the weather forecast.

7 to start the day

Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge... 
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this christmas....

A friend of mine is a farmer. One of his scarecrows recently won an award. Judges said he was outstanding in his field. A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarves weren't happy. I bought a coat made entirely of mirrors I thought I can see myself in that My friend Sid has started calling himself S. He's had to, someone stole his ID. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? I saw 5 blokes beating my mother in law up. The wife said "Are you going to help?" I said "No. 5 should be enough"

One here for my American friends

I got a job at burger king and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in. He said,give me 2 whoppers. I said, you're good looking and your musicals are great. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! 󾌹󾌹󾌹

Three more

Just seen headline 
Turkey shoots down Russian military jet. 
Revenge before Thanksgiving even starts, it seems.

My male order bride arrived last week from Russia... next time I'll read the fine print...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. 
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! 
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

8 more

“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!” 
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.” 
RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?" 
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.” 
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

What do we want? 
A cure for obesity! 
When do we want it? 
After dinner!

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Ma Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.  Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assesmen I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though. Just saw this sign in a camping shop window,  This is the discount of our winter tent... Got asked today what will I be doing in 5 years time . I don't know I don't have 2020 vision  A man walks into a bar and says that hurt.

7 jokes for today

It's that cold outside, i actually saw a politition with his hands in his own pocket!!

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be. I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.

A customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?” The assistant asks “Why are you Irish?” Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked  for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?” “Probably not” says the assistant. “So why ask me if I’m Irish?” So the assistant says “Because your in Halfords!!! A zoo I visited had a no waste policy so, any animals that had died were fed to the lions. It so happened that same day I was there some green finch's and couple of chimpanzees died and were being fed to lions. When the keeper thew the birds and the the chimps in the cage one lion looked at another lion and said," Must be Friday its finch and chimps again" Was in Starbucks earlier and I got given a cup of white powder when I requested a coffee. I goes to the guy who served me "does this look like coffee " ? He goes " you did come up to me saying can I have a coffee mate Man cuts a hole in the ice and starts fishing for wild salmon. he is fishing for a couple of hours, then hears a booming voice from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!". He continues to fish and hears the same again. He looks up at the sky, and shouts out "is that you God talking to me"? "I REPEAT THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER"!" It's Rastafarian day tomorrow.......I'm dreading it.

It has been a long time since I posted but here is my restart with a pun

A man is walking through the woods and a fairy appears on the path in front of him 
. At first the man can't believe his eyes and blinks a few times but the fairy is still there. 

The fairy beckons him to move closer with a graceful movement of her arm. He approaches her and she say's, "Do you have a £5 note, I need one to insert with a birthday card I am going to send to my niece?" 

The man reaches into his inside jacket pocket and produces his wallet. He searches inside and pulls out a £5 note which he hands to the fairy. 

The fairy thanks him and delves into her acorn shell bag and hands over 4 £1 coins to the man. The man say's, I am sorry but you seem to be a £1 shy.... 

The fairy replies, "I think not for have you never heard that fairies change is no robbery?"