Six of not the best

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.' 
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor. 
'No, from the skippin!!

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post. 
"Why am I so unlucky?" she shrieked. 
"What's wrong?" I asked 
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits" 
I said " Tinnitus.You have tinnitus"

You won't hear from me for a while. 
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.. 
I gotta lilo.

"I love that TV show where someone gets fired every week." 
"'The Apprentice'?" 
"No. 'Match Of The Day'..."

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 
He's Espanyol.

News Flash : It has been reported that a local family of gnus, Mummy Daddy and baby Gnu are involved in a tragedy. Baby Gnu wanderd off into the woods, and fell over a cliff, plunges to the bottom and very tragically is killed. 
Mummy Gnu searching for baby, sees the broken cliff edge and peers out. Sadly, she leans too far and she too plunges to her death. 
Later that day Daddy Gnu returns home and goes in search of his family. When he sees what has happened, he's so upset and can't face life any more, he throws himself off the edge to join his loved ones. ......................... ........................... 
That was the end of the gnus, now here is the weather forecast.