Six of not the best

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.' 
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor. 
'No, from the skippin!!

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post. 
"Why am I so unlucky?" she shrieked. 
"What's wrong?" I asked 
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits" 
I said " Tinnitus.You have tinnitus"

You won't hear from me for a while. 
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.. 
I gotta lilo.

"I love that TV show where someone gets fired every week." 
"'The Apprentice'?" 
"No. 'Match Of The Day'..."

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 
He's Espanyol.

News Flash : It has been reported that a local family of gnus, Mummy Daddy and baby Gnu are involved in a tragedy. Baby Gnu wanderd off into the woods, and fell over a cliff, plunges to the bottom and very tragically is killed. 
Mummy Gnu searching for baby, sees the broken cliff edge and peers out. Sadly, she leans too far and she too plunges to her death. 
Later that day Daddy Gnu returns home and goes in search of his family. When he sees what has happened, he's so upset and can't face life any more, he throws himself off the edge to join his loved ones. ......................... ........................... 
That was the end of the gnus, now here is the weather forecast.

8 more

“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!” 
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.” 
RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?" 
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.” 
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

What do we want? 
A cure for obesity! 
When do we want it? 
After dinner!

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one. Love, Ma Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.  Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assesmen I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though. Just saw this sign in a camping shop window,  This is the discount of our winter tent... Got asked today what will I be doing in 5 years time . I don't know I don't have 2020 vision  A man walks into a bar and says that hurt.