Spelling

Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy's been hit by a car. Operator asks where he is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus Rd. Operator asks, "How do you spell that?" The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says, "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak St".

Catching up

It is a sign of being rather depressed that I have given you no new laughs for one a year so here is a bumper crop to make up.

President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it." The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, BBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!" Paddy says to Murphy 'my mate came off his motor bike today. He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in 1 eye' Blow me, no wonder he came off says Murphy A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number. Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap. The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs. The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50." The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat. "Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.

Six of not the best

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' 
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.' 
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor. 
'No, from the skippin!!

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post. 
"Why am I so unlucky?" she shrieked. 
"What's wrong?" I asked 
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits" 
I said " Tinnitus.You have tinnitus"

You won't hear from me for a while. 
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.. 
I gotta lilo.

"I love that TV show where someone gets fired every week." 
"'The Apprentice'?" 
"No. 'Match Of The Day'..."

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 
He's Espanyol.

News Flash : It has been reported that a local family of gnus, Mummy Daddy and baby Gnu are involved in a tragedy. Baby Gnu wanderd off into the woods, and fell over a cliff, plunges to the bottom and very tragically is killed. 
Mummy Gnu searching for baby, sees the broken cliff edge and peers out. Sadly, she leans too far and she too plunges to her death. 
Later that day Daddy Gnu returns home and goes in search of his family. When he sees what has happened, he's so upset and can't face life any more, he throws himself off the edge to join his loved ones. ......................... ........................... 
That was the end of the gnus, now here is the weather forecast.

7 jokes for today

It's that cold outside, i actually saw a politition with his hands in his own pocket!!

I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be. I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.

A customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?” The assistant asks “Why are you Irish?” Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked  for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?” “Probably not” says the assistant. “So why ask me if I’m Irish?” So the assistant says “Because your in Halfords!!! A zoo I visited had a no waste policy so, any animals that had died were fed to the lions. It so happened that same day I was there some green finch's and couple of chimpanzees died and were being fed to lions. When the keeper thew the birds and the the chimps in the cage one lion looked at another lion and said," Must be Friday its finch and chimps again" Was in Starbucks earlier and I got given a cup of white powder when I requested a coffee. I goes to the guy who served me "does this look like coffee " ? He goes " you did come up to me saying can I have a coffee mate Man cuts a hole in the ice and starts fishing for wild salmon. he is fishing for a couple of hours, then hears a booming voice from above, "THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!". He continues to fish and hears the same again. He looks up at the sky, and shouts out "is that you God talking to me"? "I REPEAT THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER"!" It's Rastafarian day tomorrow.......I'm dreading it.