Dear ..............., :
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in. the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Thursday 16 September 2010
Wednesday 15 September 2010
The police pulled a man over
The police pulled a man over and said "sir did you know that you are going 20 miles over the speed limit?" and the man answers, "No officer i did not." and his wife says, "yes you did I've been telling you that for the last 20 minutes." and the man yells "Shut up!" and the officer says, "Well did you know that your license plate is expired?" and the man answers "no officer i did not."
And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."
And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."
Philosophy Light-Bulb Jokes by Glenn Miller and Anon
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light (hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly.
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.
How many Sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.
How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?
None! That is the historically determined role of the proletariat!
One more, not philosophical,
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.
Two--one to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
None-its a pseudo-problem... light bulbs give off light (hence the name)if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it? (oh, where has rigor gone?!)
How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, there is only ONE monist...
How many deconstructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
On the contrary, the NILE is the longest river in Africa.
How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one (to aim the x-ray machine) but the bulb changes very, very slowly.
How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.
How many Sceptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many theodicists does it take to change a light bulb?
100-one to change the bulb, and 99 to explain why an infinite God of love would allow darkness to occur in the world at all.
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
None-the bulb is just at one dialectical pole between 'bright' and 'dark'--it will eventually synthesise these into at least some dim glow for us...
How many Cartesians does it take to change a light bulb?
None--unfortunately, when the bulb blew out, they were all so shocked that they stopped thinking for that brief moment--and 'poof', they all just blinked out of existence.
How many capitalistic exploiters of the working classes does it take to change a light bulb?
None! That is the historically determined role of the proletariat!
One more, not philosophical,
How many tech-support people does it take to change a light-bulb?
Please continue to hold. Your call is very important to us.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Light bulb changing joke, Christian-style
Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a light socket
Q How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better
Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a bit of an effort as well.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not the bulb.
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person
changing it is a woman!
Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied
Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to change it. No surrender!
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a restoration of the original light bulb through the electrician Joseph Smith.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.
Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen, Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and how we can do it in the same spirit today.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.
Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by the regulative principle they should not be used in worship..
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole world revolve around him.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb to burn out.
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest
A: None, since it is dark they can't be sure there's a light socket
Q How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A "What's a light bulb?"
Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better
Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one provided the light bulb is prpared to make a bit of an effort as well.
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!
Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?????
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. It is your perception that must be changed, not the bulb.
Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person
changing it is a woman!
Q: How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q: How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Q: How many Exclusive Psalmodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They do it unaccompanied
Q: How many Independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Q How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Q: How many Irish Protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:None. That light bulb ha been there for generations and it would be a betrayal of the faith of our fathers to change it. No surrender!
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many does the book of answers say?
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! It's society that has to be changed.
Q: How many liberation theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None--WE shot out the bulb in the name of Christian revolution!
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2010, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Mormon light bulbs are not changed. They are a restoration of the original light bulb through the electrician Joseph Smith.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least two, one teaching and one ruling. There must be a plurality and parity of light bulb changers.
Q: How many Reformed Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb after a hundred others have held a study conference to findwhether Calvin, Owen, Whitefield or Spurgeon changed bulbs, how they did it and how we can do it in the same spirit today.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles instead.
Q: How many Truly Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Light bulbs are not part of Truly Reformed worship. Scripture says nothing about light bulbs, so by the regulative principle they should not be used in worship..
Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Q How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your ligh bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulbtraditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long- life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Q: How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One just to hold it in the socket and let the whole world revolve around him.
Q: How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Youth ministers are not around long enough for a bulb to burn out.
Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest
Monday 13 September 2010
Wise boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Thursday 2 September 2010
51 days!!!
Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.
They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.
She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"
About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture.
She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!
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