Blair stamps

Tony Blair wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.
He 'phoned the stamp makers and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the politician.
Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'

Suffolk Gazette

NEWS

Gingers warned to stay indoors as Caribbean heatwave hits UK

By The Editor | February 19, 2017

Gingers have been warned to stay indoors as Britain braces itself for a Caribbean heatwave, it has emerged.

Pale-skinned red-heads could fry within minutes as temperatures soar across the UK.

The south-east is expected to be hotter than Barcelona tomorrow as unseasonably warm air is swept up from the Caribbean.

But while most of us will relish the thermometer topping an incredible 15 degrees centigrade, gingers everywhere will be gloomy.

Claus Thomas, of the Institute for Sunshine Dermatology said: “While it’s good news for most, the Caribbean heatwave is jolly bad luck for ginger people.

“They will have to stay indoors, or at least cover up with a coat and a hat should they venture outside.

“The risk will be particularly significant in Scotland, where most people are ginger. The streets will be deserted.”

Ginger-haired Tamsin Jones, 27, of Ipswich, Suffolk, said: “I’m fed up with everyone saying how great the weather will be. I will burn if I step outside for more than 30 seconds.”

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Talking dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that!"

At the throne of heaven

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?" Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American." God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies,  "I believe you're in my seat."

Puns

 A friend just posted this pun collection. To not share them would be hoardly fair to fellow pun-loving friends.....

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center,
You've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Spelling

Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy's been hit by a car. Operator asks where he is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus Rd. Operator asks, "How do you spell that?" The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says, "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak St".

Deception

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

Transport

A selection of my favourite #TubeStrikeAPlay tweets given by a friend

'A Horse! A Horse! My kingdom for a horse!'
'The Importance of Being Early'
'As You Bike It'
'The Rail Replacement Children'
'Strangers Trying To Get On A Train'
'She Stoops to Uber'
'The Curious Incident Of The Tube Arriving On Time'

Materialism

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing. 

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My precious Rolex!"

Old age

Don’t think it can’t happen to you. This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to: This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door  to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door.  He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area. An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He  was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have  his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he  just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

Freemasons

A man is walking through the park when he notices a fight on the football field.

"What's going on?", he asks a spectator, watching from the side-lines.

The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."

"What's the score?" asks the first man.

"I don't know. It's a secret."

Catching up

It is a sign of being rather depressed that I have given you no new laughs for one a year so here is a bumper crop to make up.

President Donald Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it." The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, BBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN reported: "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!" Paddy says to Murphy 'my mate came off his motor bike today. He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in 1 eye' Blow me, no wonder he came off says Murphy A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number. Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap. The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs. The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50." The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat. "Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.