a little afternoon culture.....

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and

sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple...

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????

Intellectual Paddy

An Irishman turned up on a building site looking for work. He was directed to the site manager who agreed to take him on if, after a tour of site, he could answer correctly a few questions. Twenty minutes later they were back at the office. 'Well,' said the site manager, 'you have seen what we do here. Now, I'll take you on if you can just tell me the difference between a joist and girder.''Ach, that's easy enough', said Paddy. 'Joist - he wrote "Ulysses", Girder, he wrote "Faust".'

Speed limits

Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car pottering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound the whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Repent O Scottish Sinner......

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. . . (you're going to love this) "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Dundee

A Scotsman, Englishman,Irishman,Welshman,Latvian,Turk, Australian , German, American, Japanese, Mexican, Spaniard , Russian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb , Swiss , Greek, Singaporean, Italian, Norwegian and an African, all went into a Dundonain niteclub, the bouncer said , 'sorry lads canny let ya in withoot a Thai'

The Promised Land

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.

"Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a Third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a Third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "investment bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.

I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans; my call went through to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING!)

14 jokes from round the globe and nothing Irish.

Every country has those who are the but of the jokes, but sometimes the mockery is for yourselves or the rulers.

Argentina

A policeman stops a Galician and demands, "Give me your first name and surname."

"You want what?" the Galician replies. "And what about afterwards? What will I call myself?"

Australia

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie grants them one wish only.

Without giving it much thought, the lamp finder says, "Turn the ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances.The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Brazil

A Portuguese man visited Brazil and was amazed by what he saw. So many inventions! Such landscapes! He bought a box of matches and sent them to his wife, Maria, back in Portugal. Months later he received a letter: "Jo?o, I loved the presents, thanks. But the box of matches didn't work quite like you said they would."

Surprised, Jo?o replied that day: "Maria, I don't understand! I tested them all before I sent them."

Congo

A Congolese minister visits a Cuban minister, who invites him to his stunning mansion. The Congolese minister asks how he paid for it. The Cuban minister takes the Congolese minister to the window and points outside to a sparkling strip of tarmac. "You see that road? Well, my ministry oversaw it. And I took 10 per cent for myself." The Congolese minister nods thoughtfully.

Years later, the Cuban minister pays a return visit. The Congolese minister can't wait to greet him and take him to his mansion, which is even more sumptuous than the one he had visited years before. "Wow, how did you do this?" asks the Cuban minister. The Congolese minister takes him to the window and points out at the overgrown scrubland that fills the view: "I commissioned a road, too - 100 per cent!"

France

A Belgian puts a coin in a vending machine and gets a Coca-Cola. He puts a second coin in and gets a second Coca-Cola. He puts a third coin in ... and so on. A Frenchman waiting behind him says, "You certainly like Coca-Cola."

"Why stop playing when I'm winning," replies the Belgian.

Iceland

A Norwegian, a Faroese and an Icelander are about to be executed. Each one gets a final wish. The Faroese asks for a final feast of sour shark and dried whale meat for everyone. The Icelander asks to be allowed to compose an epic poem in the old style about how cruelly he is being treated and about how great Iceland is. The Norwegian thinks for a while, and then says: "Can I be executed before the poem is read and the food is served?"

Israel

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has a quality newspaper, the other an anti-Semitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more - the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear program and the suffering economy and growing anti-Semitism across Europe ..." He points to theanti-Semitic rag. "Now I read this and I feel much better. Turns out there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

New Zealand

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, with the help of good lawyers, they get their sentences cut on appeal to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it is a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finishes, and the benevolent sheikh decides they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they are preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announces, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African is first. He thinks for

a while, then says, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This is done, but the pillow lasts only 10 lashes before the whip goes through. When the punishment is done, the South African has to be carried away, bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian is next up. After watching the South African's horror, he says smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows can take only 15 lashes before the whip goes through and the Australian is soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander is the last one up, but before he can say anything, the sheikh turns to him and says, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?"

"Tie the Australian to my back."

Nigeria

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What dothey do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

Norway

A Norwegian truck driver was transporting a load of penguins to the aquarium in Bergen. In the middle of a mountain pass, his truck broke down, and while he was standing by the side of the road, a Swedish truck driver pulled over. The Swede asked if he could help, and the Norwegian asked if he could take the penguins to the aquarium. The next day, the Norwegian made it to Bergen. At the first traffic light, he caught sight of the Swede standing at the junction with the penguins in a row behind him, waiting on the light.

"What on earth are you doing?" the Norwegian asked. "You were supposed to take those penguins to the aquarium."

The Swede replied, "That was yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Pakistan

Robber: "Give me all your money."

Zardari: "Do you know who I am?"

Robber: "No."

Zardari: "I am Zardari, President of Pakistan."

Robber: "Okay, give me all my money."

Palestine

A Palestinian policeman is patrolling the beach of Gaza at night when he stumbles on a couple making out. He is about to arrest them when he realises it is Arafat and his wife, Suha. "So sorry, chief," the policeman fumbles as he tries to get away as fast as he can. But Arafat is adamant: "Arrest me! I have just launched an anti-corruption campaign and that's how the rule of law works - no special cases." Reluctantly, the policeman takes Arafat and Suha to the station, where the Palestinian leader receives a 100 shekel fine. Suha must pay 200. "Why's that?" asks Arafat. Comes the answer: "For you it was a first offence."

Russia

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev sits in the driver's seat of a new car, examines the inside, the instrument panel and the pedals. He looks around, but the steering wheel is missing.

He turns to Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and asks: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, where is the steering wheel?"

Putin pulls a remote control out of his pocket and says, "I'll be the one doing the driving."

South Africa

The name Van der Merwe in South Africa is like Smith in English-speaking countries:

Van der Merwe is driving home after too much to drink at a pub. A policeman pulls him over and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

Van der Merwe decides to admit it: "Yes, I have."

"Did you know," the cop says, "that at the last traffic roundabout, your wife fell out of the car?"

"Oh, thank God," says Van der Merwe.

"I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish

1. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid b@stards, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.

3. Paddy says to Mick, - "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant". Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

4. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"..... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

5. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

6. Paddy's in the bathroom, and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes, but it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

Only in Britain? - Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2/

British and not PC

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these men have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Too expensive, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits. From next week, all forms will be printed only in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English-speaking Doctor’. I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

Women are like wheelbarrows. Hard to pick up, and easy to upset !!