A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Momand we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, andgoogled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
Saturday 31 July 2010
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Breaking News
Police on the north side of town this morning came across 2 teenagers. One was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.
Saturday 24 July 2010
Those fabulous Jewish Comedians
You may have heard of the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey
Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny
Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George
Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don
Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen
answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: Howmany Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey
Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny
Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George
Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don
Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to
dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen
answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: Howmany Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
Friday 23 July 2010
That Thing We Used to Do
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
Three old men were sitting on a park bench, when a beautiful young girl went jogging by in blue terrycloth shorts and wearing a ponytail. The first old man said, "If I could catch up with her, I would hold her hand." The second old man said, "Yeah, and if I could catch her, I'd give her a kiss!" The third old man joined in and said, "You bet! And if I could catch her, I'd—, I'd— . . . Fellas, what was that other thing we used to do?”
Three old men were sitting on a park bench, when a beautiful young girl went jogging by in blue terrycloth shorts and wearing a ponytail. The first old man said, "If I could catch up with her, I would hold her hand." The second old man said, "Yeah, and if I could catch her, I'd give her a kiss!" The third old man joined in and said, "You bet! And if I could catch her, I'd—, I'd— . . . Fellas, what was that other thing we used to do?”
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