Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Be a frog!

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.




When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...




"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"




"What?" said her Grandpa.




"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

Question

Q: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are in a boat with a hole in it. Who gets saved?

A: America

Pearly Gates

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you attend church services?"

"No."

St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money to the poor? To charities?"

"No."

"That too is bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow," said Peter. "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago," replied the man.

Baptism

Three little boys were concerned.

Because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there

One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their
little heads in the toilet bowl, One at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, One of them asked,
What religion do you think we are?'

The oldest one said,

'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'

'We're not Babtits, because they dunk all of you in the water.'

'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'


'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

The Tooth Fairy

Dear ..............., :

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night. While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in. the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

The police pulled a man over

The police pulled a man over and said "sir did you know that you are going 20 miles over the speed limit?" and the man answers, "No officer i did not." and his wife says, "yes you did I've been telling you that for the last 20 minutes." and the man yells "Shut up!" and the officer says, "Well did you know that your license plate is expired?" and the man answers "no officer i did not."

And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."