Ken Dodd: his funniest one-liners
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Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd, who has died at the age of 90, was the irrepressible master of quick-fire one liners that left audiences in stitches. Here are some of his best:
"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'"
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"
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"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."
"I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid."
"I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning - I had my braces caught in the banister."
At the Royal Variety Performance: "This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme. That's French for evaporated milk."
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"I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go."
"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."
"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."
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