NY Times is writing an expose

Seems on Mothers Day there was a secret meeting at the Florida white house. Only Family and secret service were aware. 

Trump set up a meeting with Pope Francis to make sure the pontiff understood the America First agenda was good for not only the US but the world.

To ensure the conversations were not recorded they went out on the Trump Princess ( his yacht at Doral)

Anyway - while they were out there was an accident- it started with high winds .
The Pope was almost knock overboard and his skullcap hit the water. 

Pope Francis hates boats and was already visibly agitated during the convo with Trump- NOW HE WAS FUMING MAD.

Its been leaked by sources on the boat -who contacted the NYTimes -
that Trump said “don’t worry I’ll get your hat “
Then the secret service tried to fish it in with a net but Trump STOPPED THEM!!

He said “ i got this - step back “
Trump climbed up on the rail and appeared to jump IN THE WATER!!

But he did not SINK - he walked ON TOP OF the water and with ease grabbed the Popes Skull Cap.

Now the NY Times is writing an expose
FYI
HEADLINE TOMORROW MORNING
Trump Can’t Swim 

Random jokes

The inventor of throat lozenges has died. He has requested no coffin at his funeral.

“What’s brown and sticky?”
“A stick.”

Wanna hear the story about the time I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

What goes clip clop, clip clop, bangbangbangbangbang, clipclopclipclopclipclop?
An Amish drive by shooting.

A widow is seated at her late husband’s funeral. A man approaches and asks her, “may I say a word?”
“Certainly,” she replies.
He clears his throat and says, “Plethora.”
She nods and says, “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I know a guy that lost his whole left side in an accident.
He's alright now.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store.

A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. 

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. 

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He  said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." 

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." 

Gibbons

Currently trending on Twitter- Stick A Gibbon in a Quote. I thought that's right up our street so here goes...

Gibbon an inch and they'll take a mile
We're all here lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the gibbons

...

 Frailty, thy name is Gibbon

Manage

Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a gibbon!

1

Manage

O Gibbon Where Art Thou?

Manage

If you give enough typewriters to enough monkeys would they eventually type out Gibbon's History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire ?

1

Manage

Frankly, my dear I don't gibbon damn.

Manage

Some Like it Gibbon

Manage

By all accounts Occam had a shaved gibbon and nobody knew whether Schrodinger's gibbon was there or not.It is a far far gibbon thing than I have ever done beforeDo you think you're gibbon, punk? Well, DO YA?

Manag

 Funky gibbon ... oh wait















Nah then, young gibbon.

ManageThe Lavender Hill Gibbon

Manage

Kind Gibbons and Coronets

Manage

\

The Ladygibbons

Manage

 Ask not what your gibbon can do for you...

Manage

Arsenic and Old Gibbons.

Manage

Whatever Happened to Baby Gibbon?

Manage

 Gibbonspotting

Manag

Ken Dodd: his funniest one-liners

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Image copyrightITV/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd, who has died at the age of 90, was the irrepressible master of quick-fire one liners that left audiences in stitches. Here are some of his best:

"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

 "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"

Image copyrightPA

"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

"I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid."

"I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning - I had my braces caught in the banister."

At the Royal Variety Performance: "This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme. That's French for evaporated milk."

Image copyrightGETTY IMAGES

 "I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go."

"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."

March smiles

There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France.
There was de brie everywhere.

If Kim Jong-un can persuade Trump to give up Twitter the world will be safer place - Mac Daily Telegraph 10-2-2018

Briefly

Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!