Ignore if you are PC

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke this morning with a huge correction..

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,

his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen.All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,

so I've named him Birmingham.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Leeds fan

A Leeds fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says

"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."

"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".

"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes.

"Now I wish for Leeds to win the Champions League for 10 years running"

"You understand that this means Manchester United will win 20 years running?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Championship.

"Final wish"

After some thought the Leeds fan replies:

"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

a little afternoon culture.....

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and

sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple...

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????

Intellectual Paddy

An Irishman turned up on a building site looking for work. He was directed to the site manager who agreed to take him on if, after a tour of site, he could answer correctly a few questions. Twenty minutes later they were back at the office. 'Well,' said the site manager, 'you have seen what we do here. Now, I'll take you on if you can just tell me the difference between a joist and girder.''Ach, that's easy enough', said Paddy. 'Joist - he wrote "Ulysses", Girder, he wrote "Faust".'

Speed limits

Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car pottering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Madam," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Madam, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound the whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Repent O Scottish Sinner......

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. . . (you're going to love this) "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Dundee

A Scotsman, Englishman,Irishman,Welshman,Latvian,Turk, Australian , German, American, Japanese, Mexican, Spaniard , Russian, Pole, Lithuanian, Swede, Finn, Israeli, Romanian, Bulgarian, Serb , Swiss , Greek, Singaporean, Italian, Norwegian and an African, all went into a Dundonain niteclub, the bouncer said , 'sorry lads canny let ya in withoot a Thai'