Blair stamps

Tony Blair wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.
He 'phoned the stamp makers and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the politician.
Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'

Suffolk Gazette

NEWS

Gingers warned to stay indoors as Caribbean heatwave hits UK

By The Editor | February 19, 2017

Gingers have been warned to stay indoors as Britain braces itself for a Caribbean heatwave, it has emerged.

Pale-skinned red-heads could fry within minutes as temperatures soar across the UK.

The south-east is expected to be hotter than Barcelona tomorrow as unseasonably warm air is swept up from the Caribbean.

But while most of us will relish the thermometer topping an incredible 15 degrees centigrade, gingers everywhere will be gloomy.

Claus Thomas, of the Institute for Sunshine Dermatology said: “While it’s good news for most, the Caribbean heatwave is jolly bad luck for ginger people.

“They will have to stay indoors, or at least cover up with a coat and a hat should they venture outside.

“The risk will be particularly significant in Scotland, where most people are ginger. The streets will be deserted.”

Ginger-haired Tamsin Jones, 27, of Ipswich, Suffolk, said: “I’m fed up with everyone saying how great the weather will be. I will burn if I step outside for more than 30 seconds.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!

Talking dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that!"

At the throne of heaven

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama , and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?" Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American." God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?" Trump replies,  "I believe you're in my seat."

Puns

 A friend just posted this pun collection. To not share them would be hoardly fair to fellow pun-loving friends.....

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center,
You've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Spelling

Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy's been hit by a car. Operator asks where he is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus Rd. Operator asks, "How do you spell that?" The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says, "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak St".

Deception

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.